The Burdens of Being Upright

Nov 20, 2009

the persistence of memories. the lack of continuum. is that really how you spell continuum? I re-read my previous entries and see now with more clarity; I was always too willing to bend. Worthless because I chose to give my self to those who, turning it over in their hand like some foreign object, liked it only for how easy it was to discard. Daddy never loved me and so I need you to. And so I'm a lesbian. And so goes everything.

These are the times that broken hearted love songs were written for. I can't sing but... can't I still have that chance? that chance to feel like something is real.

Don't give your heart to a man who finds heart meat delicious. You better freeze your heart.

I broke my heart this morning, aint got no heart no more. Next time that man comes near me, gonna shut and lock my door. Cuz they treat me mean, the ones I love, they always treat me mean..

I, too, have unmolded clay in my hand and now the guts to shape it.

posted by sarah 7:09 PM

Mar 16, 2009

there are two things i will carry in my pockets at the end. oh, my darling, you are one of them

i had a dream that i was back in maryland, back in the past. it was so.. vivid. i thought i was there. i woke up and didn't know where i was. its as if i blinked in 2007 and when i opened my eyes i was in a strange apartment, unsure how i got here.

why don't i say the things i'm thinking? because its in my nature to be accommodating.
posted by sarah 12:02 PM

Mar 11, 2009

depression is not sadness. or grief. or boredom.
depression is not emotive.
to react to a troubling or trying time is sadness.
depression is not that.

depression is to feel hopeless without cause and seemingly without end.
your body exausted and your mind restless.
when every movement, every conversation is a struggle.
and always the wish to sleep without waking. not to die. just to sleep, disappearing into blankets.
when every former joy or passion offers no relief.
it is the fear that this depression will never lift.
it is incapacitating.

anxiety is not just nervousness.
nerves settle when an ordeal is over, anxiety persists.. worsens.
i liken agoraphobia to stage fright.
that feeling of terror of having all eyes on you. then the regret and self-loathing that can follow.
agoraphobia is like stage fright, without the stage.
every interaction, no matter how small, no matter who with, takes energy to overcome.

>>2 years ago i got glasses for the first time. i had never had an eye exam before because i assumed that my sight was the same as everyone else's. when i put on my glasses for the first time i was amazed that i could see the individual leaves on the trees. i feel like the same applies with my depression. i never realized i was depressed, because i thought everyone else must feel the same way. in hindsight, knowing now the difference between feeling sad and being depressed, the first time i remember feeling it was in 2nd grade, and pretty consistently there after.
it's so hard to communicate the ways in which we feel and experience things. i blame my own generation for this. we misuse words in an effort to exaggerate our feelings or drain the words of their meaning. (the boy who cried wolf?) actual depression is hard to validate when minor inconveniences lead us to say "i'm so depressed". when every talent is labeled a genius. starving means you've skipped a meal. and nigger, a vile word, means friend.
i say this because i often feel the need to validate the ways in which i feel. partly because i never trust my own perception of things. and because of this i save little compassion for myself. i still, years later and miles away, blame myself solely for failing college. i try to justify to myself that under normal circumstances, i would have succeeded. but under the overwhelming influence of depression, anxiety, and grief, i did the best i could. but my mind won't accept it's own logic. to see a 0.0 GPA in print, to have the dean enumerate all the things you should have done say squarely to your face "i am very disappointed in you.", then to be cut off financially as a punishment for your failure.... all of those things weigh on me so much more than my own experience. and it shouldn't.
this is bothering me now, because i feel like i'm at risk to fail again. every assignment i attempt, i just get paralyzed by fear. i feel immense guilt for having failed before, fear that i'll fail again, and shame that people make accommodations for me and i still can't seem to get it together. what i need is to treat myself with more compassion so i can move forward, but i can't seem to put that theory into action. it doesn't help that when i went home in december, i was told that if i get another B- my dad would not cosign my loans anymore. and if that were the case, not to bother coming home. and as ludicrous as that sounds, i know my dad well enough to know this is not an empty threat. i'd like to have moved passed this feeling, and be able to separate my present from my past. but i'm just not there yet. there's plenty more i could say on this, but i've been putting off my homework long enough.
posted by sarah 7:35 PM

Mar 8, 2009

something i wrote this summer:

The rain pounded down on the patch of dead grass that was a backyard, like tiny meteors leaving craters in the dirt. The wind was busy ripping leaves off the European weeping beech that dominated the tiny yard. It had been a dry summer, a shit summer. But this rain didn’t fall like the nourishment of sun showers she used to love; it attacked, assaulting the yard with each heavy drop.

Aggie was watching the rain drops as they trickled down the window pane. A tense race was occurring between the drops. Aggie picked a favorite and bet on it, the way her dad used to bet on horses. She traced the drop with her finger as it slid down the glass pane toward the window sill. It picked up speed when it collided and combined with another drop. Aggie was winning. But the drop became too bloated and split at the last second into two smaller droplets, which lost. There was a lesson there.

Bored with the race, Aggie reached for a cigarette. She had bet herself she’d quit smoking, but we all know how that goes. She watched as the rain tore apart the petals of an orange poppy flower. If her dad were here he’d say something stupid like “Well when it rains, it pours!” Then he’d tell her chimneys smoked, not ladies. But her dad wasn’t here. That’s why Aggie was here again in Virginia, the worst place to spend a summer.

Thunder clapped and the power flickered, hesitated, then went out c0mpletely. Aggie was pleased because it would put an end to her brothers watching the Maryland-Duke game in the next room. “It’s no way to mourn a father,” she had scolded them earlier, “by watching a basketball game on the eve of his funeral.” But that showed how little Aggie knew about men.

The sky was deeply purpled and lit by lightning. Lightning always made her think of tree branches, which looked like veins to her. That’s when she felt it first, during that summer gale, the sameness of it all. The way the branches of the old weeping beech stretching upwards, the bark barely masking some unknown internal force, resembled the muscles of her own two arms. She recalled being six, when those men came to prune the lower branches of the beech tree. She had run outside to hug the sawn-off limbs, and was surprised not to find blood on the ground, only sawdust. “Ashes to ashes and dust to dust.” her dad had said. That’s when Aggie’s anger was born, newly aware how little her dad meant when he spoke.

When a bolt of lightning struck the beech, the trunk split and half of the tree came crashing to the ground in a frenzy of leaves and sparks. She pressed her eyes shut and couldn’t tell if the silhouette burning in her eyelids was that of the lightning or the tree. Aggie knew there was a lesson there. The noise had roused her brother and he came to the window to survey the damage. For a moment both were quiet, transfixed by the half of the weeping beech that was now lying in the yard. “Of course that tree would die today of all days” her brother said with spite infecting his usually mellow tone. “Nature knows nothing of death.” Aggie replied, her eyes still locked on the fallen limbs. She had read that in a Hurston story earlier that summer. The full passage was “The palms murmured noisily of seasons and centuries, mating and birth and the transplanting of life. Nature knows nothing of death.” “Yeah sure” her brother said as he turned to leave but stopped to pluck the cigarette from Aggie’s hand and snuff it out in an empty mug. “Chimneys smoke, Aggie” he said and left.
posted by sarah 12:33 AM

Mar 7, 2009

Having come to this place
I set out once again
on the dark and marvelous way
from where I began:
belief in the love of the world
woman, spirit, and man.

Having failed in all things
I enter a new age
seeing the old ways as toys,
the houses of a stage
painted and long forgot;
and I find love and rage.

Rage for the world as it is
but for what it may be
more love now than last year
and always less self-pity
since I know in a clearer light
the strength of the mystery.

And at this place in the ways
I wait for song.
My poem-hand still, on the paper,
all night long.
Poems in throat and hand, asleep,
and my storm beating strong!

-Muriel Rukeyser

In violet.

after a few years of abandonment, i am resurrecting this blog. something i started when i was 14, lonely and foolish. it's quite a trip to revisit yourself 7 years later. now 21, i have loved and been loved. travelled to countries that used to exist for me only in dreams. failed and failed again. and enjoyed small successes. i've been scared and lonely and heartbroken. but also amazed and enraged and in ecstacy. and happily still foolish. as i untether myself from the careful cacoon of security that was self-made, i've opened myself up to the possibility of feeling again. something i was once too afraid to do.

to be in love is to see yourself in another, and them in you. for so long i have felt very absent from my own experience. my body was a vessel that spoke and moved of its own accord and my self hovered somewhere above. my self was frozen, and unable to intervene. hidden in every person is all the strength you will ever need. when you learn to access it, you begin to really live. that process is where the real work of living is. finding that core gets harder as we age. consider life as a series of russian nesting dolls. each year adding a new shell. while i may be 21, i am also at once 14 (lonely and foolish) and 6 years old, collecting daffodils from my father's garden.
posted by sarah 11:10 PM

Jan 12, 2007

oh the places youll go

this past year ive travelled the most and the farthest i ever have.


CALIFORNIA!!! LA and pomona
ITALY! rome, naples, capri, venice, and florence
FRANCE, paris
WEST VIRGINIA! pendleton county
NEW JERSEY, cranford and...
NEW YORK CITY

and most recently

FLORIDA!!! orlando, st petersburg, tampa and wesley chapel, alligator alley, miami, key west

two days ago i was lying on the beach of bahia honda in the florida keys. now im bored in my basement in annapolis. bored and broke. i need to start working a lot and save money. then blow it all on another road trip this spring!
posted by sarah 3:05 PM

Oct 19, 2006

ive effed myself over. if i could id redo like the past 2 years. i feel like i cant communicate what im feeling well to anyone. and i feel like the most unlikeable person in the world.

and im an idiot.
posted by sarah 1:10 AM

Oct 7, 2006

i'm not happy. i keep thinking back to the time when i used to be really happy and self-assured. when i was ballsy and outgoing and felt good. but when was that... fifth grade? i do things to fill the time and have fun but at the end of the day i always feel disappointed. mostly with myself. most of my friendships have become nothing more than people in my cell phone who i rarely call. i dont put effort into anyone. and ive become so self-concious that i keep typing and deleting things now so i dont come off as too whiny or too dramatic or whatever. im a shadow of myself.
posted by sarah 3:31 AM

Jul 24, 2006

when all else fails, go swimming and youll feel better.

arguments are important. its the way you make things better and get others to stop doing the things that hurt you. and its the way you know the things that youre doing that are hurting others. and as long as you stay away from low blows and being too defensive theres no reason why you cant have an argument then everything be fine 10 minutes later.


the more i think i have things figured out, the more i realize that i dont know anything. you never stop learning, you never stop growing. so you never stop making mistakes but on the other hand youre always getting better.
posted by sarah 2:53 PM

Jul 23, 2006

i am really disappointed in a few different people.

i just cant grasp what people are thinking sometimes.

i used to think that everyone was just doing the best that they can with what they have.

but not so much anymore.

some people want to be idiots. and do horrible things. and have drama and shit in their lives.

and i dont want to hear people complain about things that they do to themselves.

thats why no one tells me things. im too honest.

they dont want me to judge them. ive made my share of mistakes but i have never done things to purposely hurt others or myself.

so if youre doing blatantly wrong things, yes i am going to judge you. and yes i am going to tell you that youre being an idiot. because you need to hear it.

"lately your low self-esteem is just good common sense."
posted by sarah 1:11 AM

May 29, 2006

this summer:

no soda.
no fast food.
no deep fried food.
no beef.
no watching tv alone.

lots of water.
lots of running, swimming, yoga, pilates, kickboxing.
posted by sarah 12:21 AM

May 28, 2006

im leaving for europe in just a few days! thank god for the change of scenery. im completely bored with myself. i dont know how or when i became such a homebody but that has to change.
posted by sarah 3:25 PM

May 14, 2006

when did it happen that i hated going to bed alone? i cant have always felt that way. i dont like being that attached. it annoys even me.
posted by sarah 1:22 AM

May 12, 2006

i have negative 1 dollar in my account. time to scrape together all my change. i wish someone would just give me money. i'm one step closer to stripping.
posted by sarah 1:44 PM

Apr 4, 2006

LA was awesome and most parts of it were really pretty. me and katie flew out last weekend to crash counting the days tour. even the ghetto parts of LA look really happy because of all the palm trees. and we found this awesome store in pomona that sold a bunch of day of the dead stuff. i am super jet lagged and exausted now. i fell asleep at 9:45 last night and didnt wake up until 2:30 this afternoon. the trip was a lot of fun, it was so good to get to see jason. but now i really cravy in n' out burger. i wish there was one on the east coast.
posted by sarah 2:43 PM

Mar 30, 2006

my life rules!
posted by sarah 10:02 PM

the rest of this month is going to rule
posted by sarah 1:21 AM

Mar 27, 2006

http://www.scenepointblank.com/reviews/734
posted by sarah 12:25 AM

Mar 24, 2006

i wonder how many people really like themselves. like if they came across a clone of themselves, would they want to hang out? probably not many.

now's the time for adventures.
posted by sarah 2:56 AM

Mar 17, 2006

i havent written on this thing in forever. i actually forgot all about it. i want to move to rhode island. theres something waiting for me there.
posted by sarah 11:43 PM

Mar 3, 2006

i dont like people who hurt katie's feelings
posted by sarah 1:23 AM

Feb 21, 2006

when i stop and think about me and katie's plans for this spring i cant help but get jumpy excited.

shit's amazing.
posted by sarah 4:33 PM

Feb 3, 2006

jason's home!
posted by sarah 3:04 PM

Jan 30, 2006

i like doing things around the house. it makes me excited to fix and repair and repaint. because at first whatever im working on will look like crap, then when im done it will look really great. its so nice to see a finished product when youre working on something.

today i cut down this one tree that was in the way and knocked down the fence parts that were dry rotted. tomorrow its supposed to rain so i guess on monday i can fix the fence and be all done with it. i also painted a lot of nikki's room. theres only one little part left to do which i can finish tomorrow. then on wednesday we can clean the carpet and hopefully nikki and katie will have switched rooms by this weekend. that will rule. now the basement wont be as messy.

this post will be interesting to no one but katie.
posted by sarah 11:25 PM

Jan 29, 2006

OH MY GOD! this has been such an exciting week. jason gets back in THREE DAYS!!! i am so excited. me and katie have the best ideas ever. EVER! and our ideas are actually coming to fruition this time. holy hell. i love life.
posted by sarah 11:27 PM

Jan 28, 2006

me and katie are effing geniuses. and have come up with the best idea we, or anyone, has probably ever had. and i hope it works out for the least amount of money. and i cannot wait for it to happen.

its also top secret so dont ask.

we made a pact.... in blooooood.
posted by sarah 3:07 AM

Jan 27, 2006

dear diary,

i wish katie would get off her butt and go to the grocery store with me.




what a whore.
posted by sarah 10:25 PM

Jan 21, 2006

i dont sleep anymore. its frreaking 6:01 in the morning, what the hell am i doing awake?
posted by sarah 5:59 AM

Jan 19, 2006

i like myself and where i'm at right now. i remember when i was young, like elemntary school young, i was real outgoing and had tons of friends and aquaintances. and if i was around someone, i'd automatically introduce myself and start talking to them. but now i am the least outgoing person. i really like having just a small group of friends. in my mind the number of friends you have is proportionate to how close you are with each individual. that may not be true for everyone, but it makes sense to me. i love living with katie and nikki. they are awesome roommates. school starts in 6 days. on the one hand i'm kind of excited to actually do well this semester and i guess prove myself. on the other hand i really hate school and i always have. thats ok, only 5 and half years left of it for me. haha. man. me and katie have been playing xbox a lot and getting pretty good at it. and i miss jason a whole lot. i cannot cannot wait for him to get home.
the past few days ive started a whole new healthy living thing. ive been going to the gym more and eating a whole lot better. im down to only one can of soda a day, which is such a vast improvement for me. and ive been drinking a lot more water and eating lots of fresh fruits and veggies. ive also discovered that i really like cooking. me and katie have been cooking dinners a lot lately. and its a lot of fun. ive come to be not bad at it. usually ill think of something i want to make then call my mom and ask her what to do. and so far i havent ruined anything yet. everything i've made has actually been good. im so grown up, cooking my own meals and everything, haha.
posted by sarah 4:17 AM

Jan 10, 2006

ba ba bada

im an aweful sleeper. lately ive been going to bed about 5 am and waking up around 2pm. im gonna be so messed up when school starts back up. im more than halfway done stripping the cabinets. then its time to trick home depot and get some paint for them. alright so here's is me and katie's plan for saving money. home depot has this shelf of "oops paint" which is paint they mix for people and then the people decide thats its not really the color they had in mind. so they put it on this one cart and sell it for 5 bucks a gallon. me and katie lucked out and found almost the exact color we wanted in the oops paint for our bathroom, saving us about 15 bucks. but for our kitchen cabinets, theres a certain color that we want. so here's the plan. i go to home depot and have them mix up the color that i want. then when theyre done i be like "ummm thats not really the color i thought it would be... i dont think ill get any paint now" and then i leave. then theyll put it in the oops paint and a little later katie will come and buy it. and wahlah! cheap paint!

jason's still in europe, where hell be for the next 3 1/2 weeks. i miss him a whole lot. i wish i had the money to travel. if i havent been to at least 2 other countries by the time im 21, then my life will have gone very wrong.
posted by sarah 3:43 AM

Jan 7, 2006

i just watched the notebook. and at the end i started crying, like just a little bit, happy tears. but then the plot changed and i started bawling. straight up all out bawling. that movie man... ive never cried so hard for a movie before. and i used to hear people talking about how much they cried during it and think "you are some sentimental little woosy" and then i saw it and.... and i'm a little woosy.
jason's in europe and he wont get back until february 1st. i miss him so much! i wish he was on the same continent as me.
posted by sarah 1:05 AM

Dec 31, 2005

i think theres something wrong with me. because everything certainly isnt alright. every few months, ill get really depressed. and not just upset or sad because thats just an emotional reaction to something that happens. but i could have a perfectly good day then one night every few months i'll just get so depressed. i won't be able to sleep and all i'll be able to think about is how every single thing in my life and my life in general is just crap. and at the time i'll say to myself "this is so stupid. i'm just being over-dramatic. in the morning i'll realize how stupid all these thoughts are." but i cant control it. i'll just feel like complete shit for the entire night. until finally i fall asleep, and in the morning i wake up and think "what was i so upset about?" this has been going on for close to ten years now. but lately its been getting more and more frequent. i dont know what to do since nothing ever triggers it, it just happens out of the blue. and no matter how great or bad my life is at the time, it will still happen. i dont know much about depression and whether it can be passed on. i know after my mom had a miscarriage she was really depressed for years. and she'd just lay on the couch napping and watching tv all day. and i mean all day. and i know her dad was depressed a lot later in his life and would just sit in his one recliner all day. i dont know.
posted by sarah 3:21 AM

Dec 2, 2005

i think instead of concerning myself with what other people have done that wronged me, i should think of all the things i do every day that are just shitty. i am the least positive person i know. and of course i have reason to be irritated and hurt sometimes but i think i like to dwell in it. and that only makes me more unhappy. i really need to just relax.


so today as i was loading dishes that werent mine into the dishwasher and vacuuming up hair from a dog thats not mine, i was quietly bitching to myself. and i remembered all the times my mom was cleaning up the house after us kids and my dad. and i dont think i ever want to get married. i dont want to be the person that has to take care of the whole family.
posted by sarah 2:20 PM

Nov 30, 2005

when you work at a chinese restaurant, you tend to snack on fortune cookies all day. and come home with fortunes in your pockets. i usually throw the funny or strange ones into a little dish on my dresser. theres quite a lot now, but here are some of my favorites:

You look pretty.

Digital circuits are made from analog parts.

The rubber bands are heading in the right direction.

Promote literacy. Buy a box of fortune cookies today.

The good times start when I count to 3: 1... 2... 3.

Speed is ppoor subsittute fo accurancy.

Life is a tragedy for those who feel and a comedy for those who think.

Discontent is the first step in the progress of a man or nation.

Made in the USA

Open up your mind. Let your fantasies unwind.

Give a kiss to the person who sits next to you.
posted by sarah 11:58 PM

i love christmas time! la dee da dee da.
posted by sarah 11:07 PM

Nov 21, 2005

i dont know what i want.
posted by sarah 9:22 PM

Nov 20, 2005

you are always on my mind

i think maybe my little world is too small. theres really only a few people i ever spend any real time with. i dont really like meeting new people anymore. i prefer to be lazy. it seems so trying to have to showcase all the good parts of my personality for someone new. i'd rather just lay down on the couch and watch tv with someone who already knows that i'm cool and doesnt expect anything from me. i'd rather be comfortable than captivating. this probably isnt good. and i bet my laziness and really my fear is making me miss out on a lot. time to step out of my little bubble i guess.

i'm confused and dont know what to do. so im just not going to do anything.
posted by sarah 2:27 AM

Nov 15, 2005

i love great falls.
posted by sarah 10:42 PM

Nov 13, 2005

some things hit a little too close too home and effect you more than you'd like them to.


i haven't ever felt this way before.
posted by sarah 3:12 AM

Nov 9, 2005

katie puts everything in perspective and makes sense of things that dont.
posted by sarah 11:39 PM

if you want to feel good, then go outside. and if crunching through fallen leaves, the beautiful fall colors, and the weather doesnt make you even a little happier then you are dead. katie bought a longboard. i want a longboard. life is better when youre on wheels. i am so excited about almost everything. i withdrew from my precal class because i had an F in it. so no more scholarship but hey thats ok. im in such a better mood when i have to get up at 830 instead of 630. those extra 2 hours of sleep give me a whole new outlook i swear. i miss jason so much. i have 2 years full of all these amazing memories with him. some bad ones too. but mostly good ones that make me so grateful that we were ever together. i love that guy and i miss him a whole lot. but that doesnt change the fact that we arent good at being together anymore. its time to move on. its just time. and hopefully later on when we're both over eachother we can be friends again. because i want that guy to always be a part of my life. he is awesome. definetly my most favorite person ever.
posted by sarah 1:15 PM

Nov 7, 2005

uhh.... all i want to do right now is kiss you. how's that for moving on?
posted by sarah 10:38 PM

Nov 5, 2005

can i just say that...

- jarhead is a great movie

- as far as jobs go, it doesnt get better than the dragon house

- its annoying when you spend a day cleaning a room, then when you get home from work it looks like shit again

- the previous statement means i'm turning into my mom

- i miss my mom

- november's been a fun month so far

- i'm pretty sure my provisionals come off today

- its not easy to get over a person, and a huge part of me doesnt even want to

- i'm lazy and unmotivated and i love it
posted by sarah 1:02 PM

Nov 3, 2005

a whole series of actually good days. who knew that could happen. i'm hardly ever online anymore and i like it that way. when i have free time and nothing to do, i find something to do instead of just sitting online forever. i havent even been feeling that down lately. and the only time i've cried since saturday was the other day when i was really frustrated with school. i don't know if college is right for me. i'm gonna give it at least another semester though before i make that decision. because i imagine most freshmen hate college at first. i've been feeling pretty excited about most things. only at night do i get really bummed. i think that's just snuggle withdrawal? and sometimes i'll have really good dreams, about things that have happened before. its like my mind chooses to replay the best memories i have with jason every night. then i wake up and i'm on my couch with allie in my face and i get bummed. really bummed. i'm trying not to see you for awhile. because i know if i did i wouldnt be able to act like your ex-girlfriend and just seeing you would probably make me really sad. but its hard! so many funny things happen or i'll se something that i know you'd laugh at and i'll want to call and tell you about it. i miss my best friend.
posted by sarah 11:35 AM

Oct 31, 2005

i love halloween! me and katie had bought a LOT of candy for tonight but we had no idea just how many kids there would be out tonight. it seems that all the kids in annapolis come to our neighborhood to trick or treat. not that i really mind. if their neighborhood isnt that safe, i'd rather them come to mine. but cars would park on the street and dozens of kids would get out. i had to run out to rite aid and get more candy. it was fun though. sooo many cute kids. this one girl said she was a deranged princess. haha. kids are awesome. and this one grown guy was out with his little baby who obviously didnt have teeth yet and wouldnt be eating any of that candy. that rules, using your baby as an excuse to trick or treat. i love halloween. i love october. i love autumn. i hate college. i miss jason.
posted by sarah 8:20 PM

Oct 30, 2005

is it weird that i'm somewhat looking forward to this next month? it doesn't change the fact that i'm going to be sad sad sad and missing you like crazy. but there's a part of me that knows this will be good for me.

obviously there was a problem and things were not going well otherwise there would be no need for this change. here's to things changing for the better, whatever that entails.
posted by sarah 2:32 PM

this is going to be a long winter. with no one to keep me warm. expect lots of posts where i'm really really sad but still trying to make the best of things. so i'll say things like "oh well" and "i guess thats just the way it is" and start it off by saying "today was pretty cool..." see thats what i do. i try to make it seem like i'm having a blast when i'm really not. (i guess that makes me a liar). i don't want to be sad. i love you baby and i'm going to miss you a lot.

No shadow
no stars
no moon
no cars
November
it only believes in a pile of dead leaves and a moon that's the color of bone

get ready for no jason in november. why are things that are probably for the best always the hardest to do? there's really only one place i want to be right now. but i'm pretty sure its not ok for me to be in your bed in your arms once we've broken up. i'm not good at being an ex-girlfriend.

time for macaroni n cheese and ghostbusters 2.
posted by sarah 12:04 AM

Oct 28, 2005

screaming gets you nothing

no more being angry. or bitter. or depressed. or confused and asking why. not this time. just pick yourself up and move on. no spite or jealousy. no moping around the house. say good riddance and move on.
posted by sarah 12:08 PM

Oct 23, 2005

honest arrogance as opposed to feigned humility

i hope when i'm older i have lots of quirks and i'm kind of crotchety but in a funny way. i want people to remember me for ridiculous things that make them smile to think about. i want people to remember me. i went and saw falling water today in pennsylvania. can i just say this is my dream house. i dont even like most of frank lloyd wright's work, i think he's way too over-hyped. but this house is perfect. its set in these gorgeous woods, which today were all yellow. and the house, instead of having a view of this amazing waterfall, is built at the top of the waterfall. in the living room there's a staircase that leads right down into the pool of water below. can you imagine that? instead of watching tv when you're bored, going and taking a dip in your own private pool at the top of your waterfall. the whole house is amazing to me. most of the house isnt even indoors, its terraces. but in an area like that, why would you want to be indoors? today made me so excited. it made me want to go hiking and explore and see breathtaking sights and have endless adventures. just being away from it all i guess makes me realize how small i am. and how unimportant most of the fears and jealousies and hurt and anger i carry with me really is. i mean, i stood in a room today that frida effing kahlo used to stay in. i want to feel small again. i want to wander through the woods, past trees that have been there long before i ever was and will be there long after i'm gone.
posted by sarah 12:41 AM

Oct 22, 2005

ok... so i'm a failure. but its not that bad. i've come to accept that i most likely will not get above a 3.2 this semester and will therefore lose my scholarship. this is something that has been stressing me out and making me hate life for awhile. but my mom said "yeah i mean it was nice that you were offered it, but its not that big of a deal. your brother and sister both got on academic probation and squandered tens of thousands of dollars in tuition." that made me feel better. i'm seriously trying but everytime i get a precal quiz or test back and see my score, it becomes even more clear that i may not pass that class. which sucks. but i really dont know what more i could do. so i guess i shouldnt get too upset about it. im going to see falling water tomorrow and im actually pretty excited. it will be cool.

these are the places i wanna go as of now

-italy (may get to this summer)
-easter island
-galapagos islands
-new zealand
-burma
-poland
-ireland
-yosemite (not as far as the others, maybe i should go this summer)
posted by sarah 12:48 AM

Oct 16, 2005

i love october!
posted by sarah 2:02 PM

Oct 15, 2005

some days arent yours at all

i am so out of touch. and unhappy.
posted by sarah 2:33 AM

Oct 11, 2005

i'm a worrier, thats why my friends call me whiskers

so here it is, i dont really like college. and im worried about my grades and whether or not ill be able to keep my scholarship. and i dont have any time for anything. i like working at victorias secret but i think i might quit. maybe not quit, maybe just work like 2 days a week. then i'd have more time for school and actually doing stuff. working, going to school, it all seems for naught if you dont have any time left over to actually enjoy yourself and your friends. like today, i didn't go to either of my classes, and i should have, but my stomach hurts a lot and i didn't want to. i'm really trying at school, i could probably be trying harder though. i'm gonna get my act together.
lately ive been feeling crappy. i mean i've had a lot of times when i've been happy or having fun, but underneath that there's a baseline of feeling down. which sucks. but everytime i go home and visit my dad, i feel more and more akward and out of place there. my dad's depressed and my mom's in kansas. it's not good. i feel very in a slump and i dont know how to get out of it.
posted by sarah 10:36 AM

Oct 1, 2005

William Bennet

Bennett served as Reagan's chairman of the National Endowment for the Humanities from 1981-1985 and secretary of education from 1985-1988. From 1989-1990, he served as "drug czar" in the administration of the elder Bush.

bennet, who now hosts a radio talk show, had this to say on thursday:

"If you wanted to reduce crime, you could -- if that were your sole purpose -- you could abort every black baby in this country and your crime rate would go down."

he then added

"That would be an impossibly ridiculous and morally reprehensible thing to do, but your crime rate would go down."

When asked to apologize for these racist statements, Bennet said "I'm not racist." and a called himself a "champion of the real civil rights issue of our times -- equal educational opportunities for kids."

wow, what a great guy. seriously, how do these types of people ever get elected?
posted by sarah 10:32 PM

Sep 24, 2005

swivel chair blues

sometimes you have to stop and ask yourself, how did it ever come to this? and then you want to do it over. do it better. or not do anything. i think i'm just one of those people who has some days where nothing goes right. maybe everyone has those overwhelming depressing days? maybe i dont want to feel like crap? its almost autumn now. the tulip poplars have already started to yellow. soon the trees will be gorgeous, the skies will be grey, the weather will be amazing, and everyone will have that crisp new 'i can do anything' feeling and wear their favorite hoodie every day without getting too hot. and kids will have fun together and go do great things and get out more. "If nothing hurts,Somewhere along the way You died"
posted by sarah 1:52 AM

Sep 23, 2005

i wish this past summer had never happened
posted by sarah 9:39 PM

Sep 21, 2005

woah woah woah

i applied at victorias secret today and i had to do this automated phone interview. it was a series of yes or no questions that were just like this:

have you ever stolen from your employer before?

do you think it is ok to steal just a small amount?

if a vending machine gave you food you did not pay for, would you leave the money in the machine anyway?

recently, have you used alcohol or marijuana before or during work?

if hired, do you plan to be an outstanding worker?

if hired, do you plan to get into shouting or shoving matches with your coworkers?

on a scale of one to ten, rate how honest you are. ten being the most honest.


so that interview was pretty lame. but you know whats not lame? the pretty black dress i bought today. and going to trapeze school tomorrow. and the first look fair which was really cool. except for the one guy who was too old to be on a college campus at the socialist table that wouldnt shut up. so me... a rugby player? how bout it?
posted by sarah 10:02 PM

Sep 19, 2005

+ trapeze school on thursday
+ waking up for all my classes
+ my women's studies class
+ wonton soup
+ sleepovers
+ hitchhiker's guide to the galaxy
+ getting my butt to the gym tonight
+ modern life is war



- katie moving soon
- homework
- being scared/not trusting
- american apparel being closed
- spending more money than i make each week
- someone possibly stealing from dragon house
- aching from going to the gym tonight
- i miss my mom


this list is blaaahhhhh.. i miss my mom. so of my family, my dad is the only one who lives within an hour of me. i got a brother in ohio, a brother in indiana, a sister in virgina, and a mom in kansas. i feel very detached. and i miss my family. i'm all grown up and on my own. so i'm on my own. and also i cant write well anymore.
posted by sarah 11:12 PM

Sep 6, 2005

paul says my blogger isnt interesting anymore. i think thats just because i never mention him in it anymore. for a blogger that's really interesting, please direct your attention to the link below.

the heart of paul
posted by sarah 12:16 AM

Sep 4, 2005

i need to think and act more globally, or at least nationally. then maybe i'd have better priorities and i wouldnt get mad about little things. or they wouldnt seem so important.
posted by sarah 3:04 PM

Aug 31, 2005

i think i'm evening out. growing up. becoming less of a dick and more positive about everything. first there's the thesis, then when that is found to be flawed, there's a total rebellion of the original thesis and you get the antithesis. and over time, the two ideas merge together. even out. and create the new thesis. that's how i feel. like every part of my life and my past is coming together to form one solid stream of conciousness that actually makes sense. i love my family. i love the idea of family altogether. family is so much deeper than friendship in many ways. you can have a huge fight with a friend and never speak to them again and your connection is cut. but if you have a huge fight with your brother, that person will remain your brother and will forever be bound to you. my family will always be a part of me. i will always be told i have alex's smile or that i look so much like my sister. both my parents have influenced me so much and i didnt even realize it. i love gardening because thats something my dad and i used to do together. i love crossword puzzles and jigsaw puzzles because of my mom. i cant even walk into a craft store without feeling in instant connection with my mom and recall a thousand memories of her in the sewing room working on some project. A room full of cousins of all ages from all across the country who all have the exact same nose. the aunts, who may be perfectly well behaved the rest of the year, will always end up drinking wine playing liverpool rummy and laughing all night. they all have the same loud laugh that you can hear all around the house. but dont cross them in a game of liverpool. who else can you share a bond like that with? where you see them maybe every 2 years or so, and are able to pick up right where you left off. i love my family. for all our flaws. for all our skeletons. janeczek/mcrobbies rule.
posted by sarah 1:35 AM

Aug 21, 2005

a tale of two titties

today, katie and i got into the new jetta and drove to baltimore with hopes of spending large amounts of money at american apparel. we braved many perils on our journey. fleeing from police, outrunning a tornado, wrestling bears, and taking down a colombian drug lord. upon reaching our destination, we found a very convenient parking space with a full meter. but once we walked up to american apparel... we were greeted by the most horid sight i have ever seen in my life.

CLOSED FOR FLOODING. COME BACK SOON. <3

"Noooooooooo!!!!!!!!!" katie and i screamed with terror and frustration. i wondered what sort of sick twisted mind would dare draw a heart right after that infuriating message. baltimore had flooded, and was now just an island in the middle of the bay. as a second choice, we went to arundel mills. the shopping was nice. i bought a few things that were on sale. nothing too great. nothing too bad. after finishing up in old navy, katie and i bounded for the parking lot with hopes of making it home in time to cook ourselves cheddar broccoli pasta before work. as we sat in the nice air conditioned jetta, katie looked over at me with a horror-stricken face. the jetta was stuck in park! frantically, we called everyone we could think of, trying to figure out what was wrong and how to fix the jetta. but to no avail. in the end, the decision was made that the jetta would have to wait at arundel mills for the weekend, until it could be towed and fixed on monday. but *gasp* we had to be at work at 430... and we were miles from home and already late. luckily, two attractive, kind-hearted, and cute men came to our aid. they rescued us from the arundel mills parking lot and took us home where we could finally go to work. in conclusion, jetta sucks. jason and joey rule.
posted by sarah 12:40 AM

Aug 19, 2005

loose lips sink ships
posted by sarah 3:19 AM

Aug 16, 2005

Girls who rule in maryland

Katie
Briana
Sarah O
Angie
Me

pretty soon though, katie and briana will be in philly. sarah o will be in new york. and angie will be in dc. then the list will look like this

Me.

me. all by myself. with no girls who rule to keep me company. i need to find some more female friends. i forgot how much fun it is to hang out with girls.
posted by sarah 1:32 AM

Aug 13, 2005

where is everyone going?
posted by sarah 4:26 AM

Aug 11, 2005

this is effed and not what i want. and now i'm sad. great. i want some god damned clarity. it feels like i'm in a fog. words ive heard so many times have lost all meaning. its like now all i hear is just a bunch of misplaced words that dont actually have definitions to them, they're just syllables. erg, did i just screw myself over? why didnt i just sign off line and go to bed. think about things later. god damn it. this isnt what i want at all. i dont want the good times to be over with you. fucking god damn. i need clarity. i need a friend. i wish i knew what to do. and i wish i didnt open my mouth before i knew i meant what i was going to say. i need someone to lean on. metaphorically i guess but really just literally. i need a shoulder to rest my head on. thats what i need.
posted by sarah 1:50 AM

Aug 7, 2005

GOD WHEN DID EVERYTHING GET SO HARD

im not trying to be a jerk. but i dont think i should just be passive. how do you be assertive without being a bitch? how do you stand up for yourself without making the other person feel like crap? i got my own damn self into all this. i'm no victim. i knew exactly what was going on. what should i do? should i say eff it, and put us to rest. be happy on my own. maybe eventually see if i can find someone who knows what they want. i dont know. i want you. and is whats between us worth making an effort for? worth being patient for? i see you as the person i want you to be not the person you are. its easy to get confused. im not whining. no one's the victim in this and no one's the bad guy. we're just two idiots.
posted by sarah 3:33 AM

drove all the way to hagerstown and missed black out. suuuuucked. still had a good time at the show though. on the way home, katie's tire exploded. exploooooded. luckily a van full of cute boys was there to fix it for us. i think katie's car has seen its last joyride. i am so sleepy. i am so cranky. gotta work tomorrow.... ugghhh
posted by sarah 2:50 AM

Aug 2, 2005

dont be stupid, be posi! i am my own worst enemy right now. what happens when you hang out with your ex boyfriend? you forget about the ex part. so what is that? honest feelings for him or just being used to him? i dont know. you dont know. no one knows. we are some dummies. so what is it that i want.... hmmmm... but what is it that i need. and what do i expect from him. this will take more than a night to figure out. what do i want? someone to say 'i realize now that you and what we have is important and worth making an effort for. even though it wont always be easy, i'm going to try to be a good man for you. i'm going to treat you like i want you to treat me. and when things are in a rut, i'm not going to want to give up without a fight.' what do i need? for that to be true. no more being weak-willed and dumb. its not doing anything but confusing me and potentially setting me up for a fall. be strong.
posted by sarah 3:19 AM

Jul 24, 2005

i have a really good feeling about things. i think the next year is going to be wonderful. not just for me but for everyone around me. it feels like things are coming full-circle. like people are starting to even out and be more of themselves. dodgeball was so fun the other night. i hope that becomes something we do often. me and katie were talking about how much we miss dollar night at the bowling alley. i love having that. so when tuesday rolls around its like "what should we do tonight.... oh its tuesday. bowling night." and then its really just an excuse to get together with all your favorite kids and have a good time. i am feeling so optimistic right now about the future. of course theres still that confusion about jason. but i know that i am always going to have such a deep love for that guy and he is always going to be one of my favorite people. even if its not a romantic thing, there's just something about him that i'm drawn to. something between us that just clicks. i want so many good things for him.
posted by sarah 4:23 AM

Jul 23, 2005

dodgeball ruled tonight. my team won, no thanks to me. but the real winners of the night were me and katie, and our awesome dodgeball uniforms. i'm pretty terrified of scott. he throws way too hard. i should probably just get better at dodging. every time i look down at my thighs, they've gotten just a little more purple. it started out as just pink but as the night progressed, the bruise seems to be getting bigger and darker. this is what summer is supposed to be like. come home tired, bruised, bug-bitten, and smelling gross. i'm excited for the beach and even more excited that katie and briana are coming. i hope i get ridiculously sun-burnt. i hope rob zombie doesnt make any more movies because the devil's rejects was really bad. reallllly bad. if i dont get scared by a scary movie you know its bad. i dont know what else. i am so confused about what i'm feeling and what i want and all that. i am not used to being confused like this. its weird. i miss you so much, especially at night when i'm not distracted by anything else. but i dont know. i dont know what i'm thinking. now i guess i know how you were feeling when you said you didnt know how you felt about me. i dont know. we're some confused kids right now. but i guess i'd rather be confused and missing you then pretending and having you. i guess being honest with yourself and others is always the most important thing even if sometimes it hurts. i dont know what i'm saying. summer '05 rules!
posted by sarah 3:39 AM

Jul 15, 2005

taco thursday! i'm amazing! orientation! beach week! american apparel! i'm amazing!
surrrriously. i feel great tonight, have been since tuesday really. i'm feeling like i'm not the one who's really losing the most in all this. maybe thats mean? but probably not. i dont think anyone's feelings could ever be hurt by stuff i say on here. first of all, i dont think many people actually read this. and i wouldnt blame them because i dont usually say much on here. except about how amazing i am.
posted by sarah 12:45 AM

Jul 14, 2005

nothing like a day with angie to make things better. we went to the new american apparel in baltimore and it was so great. i bought lots and lots of clothes and i'm already itching to go back there. i love that store. thennn i delivered at the dragon house for a while. i went to this one house in a gated community where you have to check in with a secutiry guard to get in and they gave me a $10 tip. thats always nice. i think most of my tips were pretty nice, i didnt really pay much attention to how much i got though. another thing, i love thunderstorms! and we're supposed to have one every day this week. that makes me happy.
posted by sarah 2:19 AM

Jul 12, 2005

i'm not really sure what i want. i'm not extremely sad though which is a good thing. but it is weird to have lost a friend. someone who i really enjoy hanging out with. but i dont even know what i want. i am confused. party of me wishes we could just start over. like start as pals and see what happens. thats probably a bad idea though, i dont know. anyway. now i need to just be myself again. maybe if i figure out a little more of who i am, knowing what i want won't be so confusing. i guess we'll see.
posted by sarah 5:42 PM

i feel pretty good tonight. me and matt went and played pool. i am AWEFUL at pool now. i used to be somewhat good now im like a retarded kid with a tree branch. what else. i'm excited about the orientation at maryland next week. i'm excited about starting school really. i havent been a real student in so long. im excited about taco thursday. oh, not exciting stuff happened today too. chris got home from work and forgot his key. so he decided to break the window in the door to get in. wtf? speaking of, i've been cussing too much lately. i dont like the way it makes me sound. maybe tomorrow i should go get some sod and try to finish the backyard. maybe i should drag my butt out of bed and go to yoga tomorrow too. so yeah. there are a lot of things to look forward to and be excited about. i dont know. i dont think transitioning is ever easy for anyone. i take back what i said about should have ended it in october. there are too many good memories of our relationship. i'm glad we got back together, even the second time. even though it didnt work out. i'm grateful for the good times we had together and can't imagine what i'd be like had we never been. its hard though. i feel like if i saw you now all my strength and common sense would crumble because i have such a soft spot in my heart for you. and i'd want to just kiss you and rest my head on your shoulder. i imagine those feelings for a person dont go away easily. oh well, here's to moving on and changes made, hopefully for the better, for both of us. squishy.
posted by sarah 1:23 AM

Jul 11, 2005

i used to love music. i still love music. but i used to feakin loooove it. whenever i'd get a new cd i'd sit in my room with my head phones on listening to it over and over, reading the lyrics and everything else that was in the little booklet. by the end of the night, i knew that cd through and through. speaking of, i love bane's new cd. maybe its not so new anymore, but its new to me.


the unheard goodbyes that we are never ready to whisper
turning once strong men into lost little boys


i dont know. i wont lie. this is hard. and it hurts. a lot. but there's really no one to be mad at. and no one to blame for anything. of course i'll move on. and of course i'll be happy again. and stronger. of course there are other people out there, although thats not even something i want to think about now. life goes on, whether you're ready for the change or not. i'm not sure if this is what was best or what i even wanted. i think it was, but i dont know. but this is how it is. i cant blame a guy for being 20 and unsure of himself. no tears or hugs that last too long or conversations will change anything. people do what is best for themselves at the time. thats just how it is.
posted by sarah 5:01 PM

i woke up suddenly at 3:30 am with a weird feeling on my lips and the first thing i thought was "no more kisses". this is going to be so hard. i am going to miss so many things about him. but i cannot think like that. there's a reason we're not together anymore and missing him just comes with the territory. i have to focus on the things i wont miss. i wont miss having a boyfriend who didnt love or care about me. or at least not enough to treat me like i mattered. i cant cry about this anymore or think of things i could have done to make it better. i did what i could but some things are just out of my control. its really hard to see someone as they are when you know how they used to be. i wasnt being treated right and he knew it and didnt want to change. its best that its over. the worst thing is seeing a friend who used to have so much integrity actually want to lose it. i still cant understand that.
posted by sarah 3:47 PM

Jul 10, 2005

in response

"sarah when you love some one you can not control how you feel or how you handle things because the person that you are is a caring person and if you think that some thing had potental to work whos to tell you that you are dumb or that it will not work people do what is best for them sometime it may not be right at the time but if you feel like it is what you should do that is all that matters you are your worst critic"
posted by sarah 1:59 AM

someone once told me to think about all the qualities that would make a person the ideal boyfriend, and to be those things. and even though i was told this years ago, way before i had any boyfriends or even knew which qualities were ideal, it has stuck with me. and thats what i've tried to be, exactly what i've always wanted. honest, loyal, supportive, forgiving, affectionate but with a sense of humor and wouldn't start a fight over just anything. i always kind of figured that if i made an effort to be a good girlfriend, the boy would naturally return the favor. but what happens when it becomes clear who is the doormat in the relationship? when the boy, whether knowingly or not, makes you feel like nothing more than a cuddle and a fuck and also a burden to his social life and thus his fun? god, am i one of those idiot girls who forgive and overlook things they would never normally tolerate because 'he says hes sorry and he really cares about me'. i swear i used to be strong and independent. i swear i used to have fun and actually like my life. i am one of those idiot girls. i'm one of those idiots in a stupid relationship that has already ended twice, with a boyfriend who doesnt even want her around, who has neglected her friends that she used to love, forgotten what she once hoped for herself, is bored out of her mind, and still doesnt want to lose her loveless and selfish boy because she loves and adores him and knows that he has potential to be a really great man. even if now he's selfish and thinks its funny to be a dick to girls since his friend his. truth is it doesnt make him funny, it just makes him a dick. when he used to be a rarity among the sluts and assholes that most boys seem to be, now he's slowly morphing into one of them. and i'm the idiot girlfriend, the kind of girl clinging to the asshole's arm that i used to see and think "has she no standards?" i am so disgusted right now with who i have become. i completely embody all the qualities i used to disdain in other girls. now i know why so many girls are bitches, jumping on their boyfriend for every small thing, because they're smart and they know they deserve better.
posted by sarah 1:08 AM

Jul 6, 2005

im not all that happy
posted by sarah 11:01 PM

Jun 22, 2005

katie and i have plans for our backyard. big plans. to make it beautiful. so far, we have half of it sodded. when i get home, we're going to finish the grass and get started on the gardens. then just clear off the party patio and we are ready to go. earrrrly tomorrow morning i'm going to kansas for my cousin's wedding. i'm excited. i haven't been on an airplane in so long. i cannot wait to see my cousins ian and caitlin. is it wrong that i'm only going to my cousin's wedding to see my other cousins? oh well. what else... i do yoga and pilates now. i am amazing,
posted by sarah 7:09 PM

Jun 6, 2005

couldnt have asked for a better night
posted by sarah 12:24 AM

Jun 4, 2005

i graduated!
posted by sarah 12:49 AM

Jun 3, 2005

i wish there was some way to know if the decisions you are making are the right ones. i guess that would be called hindsight. but that takes too long.
posted by sarah 12:38 AM

Jun 2, 2005

i feel like something's been accomplished today. not sure what yet. not really sure of anything. i just know that being with you today felt really good. but i need a little more assurance if you ever want to call me yours again. i really hope things work out for us. i really want it to. but its really all on you right now. be a good boy. be a good man.

i hate comcast and wish the internet worked in my room, not just in katie's. i love katie.
posted by sarah 12:43 AM

May 30, 2005

AHHHHHHHH!
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

AHHHH!

AHHHHHHHHHH!

AHHHH!!!!!
posted by sarah 11:29 PM

May 28, 2005

chilly nights and warmer thighs

today was a really good day. me and katie got half of my room painted. its a nice pale warm yellow. i like it. im really excited about moving in with katie. our neighborhood is so cute and nice and i just like our house. it feels very homey. im going to finish painting on monday and try to get the bulk of my stuff moved in on monday as well. i got my hair cut today as well and i really like it. its shorter and cuter and i just like the way that it moves and bounces. i feel a little lighter, like theres been some weight lifted off my shoulders. me, katie, and briana went to whole foods and bought food to make dinner with. we grilled chicken and potatoes outside but katie used waaaaaaay too much lighter fluid and the chicken came out a little.... lighter fluid tasting. the potatoes took forever to cook and i think are probably just about done now. but it was fun. it was such a nice night out. its making me really excited for 3 months of beautiful summer nights. i feel really... just good today. optimistic. things are going to be ok, great even. i dont need to be with jason to be happy. i didnt before we were together and i dont after. i dont need any of it. i still know what i want though. but the chances of me getting it are probably less than 1%. so its not the excited kind of wanting. it is... but its also the feeling when you know it would take some miracle for what you want to materialize. like i want one of the new mustangs, but the chances of me getting my hands on that kind of money would mean winning the lottery or something. except this is much more than just a new car. i probably have a better chance with the lottery anyway.
posted by sarah 11:39 PM

May 27, 2005

this is the worst idea you've ever had

this is really stupid. really really stupid. it doesnt seem right at all. i cant shake the feeling that i was being fed a line when your true motives are elsewhere. i dont know what to think. is it someone else? if it is someone else i'd rather know. sure it would hurt but im a big girl, i can take it. anyway, at least that would make more sense. on saturday as i was leaving your house i said "gnight babe, ill talk to you tomorrow" and you said "goodnight, i love you" and you sounded sooo sincere. and it felt so good. why would you say that unprovoked if you hadnt loved me for weeks? could you really fake it that well and for what purpose? i was happy with you and i didnt think about how long will this last and am i in love or do i just love or do i like him like him or just like him and other crap like that. i was just happy and i loved you. and some days i was bored or annoyed or upset but i never lost faith that it would get happy again. but i dont know. what do i know about these things anyway... i know that love is not just some feeling you have on your first kiss and its not butterflies in your stomache every time he looks your way or euphoric nights or your jaw dropping every time she enters the room. it is those things but thats only the superficial part. love is also comfort and familiarity. its feeling at ease with a person and not feeling the responsibility to be entertaining all the time. but if all you want is the newness in a relationship then i guess you'll have plenty. plenty of girlfriends to dump every few months when its not new and always exciting anymore. i dont know. maybe you never loved me and that was just a lie to get me into bed. i doubt it though, i thought you were better than that and i like to think that you still are. but if you did love me and not that long ago. and if you were as happy as you said you were that night when you just threw your head back onto the bed, pulled me closer on your shoulder, sighed and said "i'm just.. happy." if that was real, i wonder why you'd want to give up on that so quickly. i dont believe that you just fell out of love with me. i dont think thats possible. i dont think you could be so sure of that overnight. but if thats true, and you have absolutely no feelings or love for me at all then i guess just look me in the eye and tell me that. and ill try to accept it gracefully. i dont know. i wish i could fix this but i cant. there is nothing i can do. i wish i'd wake up and realize it was just an aweful dream. or you'd call me up and tell me that without me, you realize how important i really was to you. but i guess thats not going to happen. ill be really sad for awhile but try to distract myself with other things. youll have a great summer without me and probably meet someone new who is exciting and ill be terribly jealous and wonder if its better with her. but there wont be anything i can do because youre not my jason anymore. and maybe after some time goes by we'll hang out and be pals. and youll enjoy my sense of humor and think i'm hot. but that will be it. not exactly the summer i was looking forward to a few days ago, but i guess thats the way it has to be. you dont love me. and theres nothing i can do. so its over. no more nights spent snuggling in the basement. no more bumping my head on your bunk bed. no more dip. no more resting my head on your shoulder in the car. no more belly kisses. no more sitting on your lap at the computer while you show me funny sites. no more bowl bra or playwithme panties. no more little sides. no more making me soup when im sick. no more boyfriend. no more jason. its over. i dont want it to be over but it is. you dont love me anymore and you may never have. and you dont want to be with me. you dont love me. im not your baby anymore. you dont want me. the last year wasnt enough to make you want to try again. you've made up your mind, you just dont love me. you just dont see this is a lasting relationship. maybe thats just a nice way to say you dont want me around any longer. and theres nothing i can do. its over.
posted by sarah 12:52 PM

May 26, 2005

i dont know what to do with myself. everything's been taken out from under me. i was so happy. and now its all gone. i was just so happy that i had someone who i could trust and who i loved and loved me and that i had so much fun with. and now its just over. and theres nothing i can do. i dont understand what went wrong. was i an idiot to believe someone when they said they loved me. i feel like such an idiot. for the past month you've still told me you loved me and all the while you didnt. i feel so cheap. what i thought meant something meant nothing at all. i dont understand. everything was fine just 2 days ago. i dont want to feel like this. im a complete wreck and you probably just feel relieved. god i was so happy.i dont want to lose that. i dont want to feel this way. i dont want to believe that you werent in love with me. all that we did together and all the time spent and you just want to be pals. was i just not enough. i tried to be a good girlfriend. but it just wasnt enough. i dont want to believe that it was all a lie. ive been completely fucked. you told me that you loved me just the other day as i was leaving your house. and you sounded so sincere and it felt so good. but really for weeks you havent loved me. and then on monday. oh god. why would you do that to me when you dont have any feelings for me. yes it is so wrong. i loved you. ive never loved anyone before like that and you brushed it off. god. i was just so happy. all the times we spent together and all the intimate moments we had and you dont love me. you just dont love me. what changed. what changed in one month that made you completly fall out of love with me. i dont know what to do. i loved you and i trusted you. and what did that get me. i was so excited about the summer and now i just feel... broken. and you didnt even shed a single tear for our relationship. a few days ago you said you loved me and now you're probably happy to be rid of me. this doesnt seem right.
posted by sarah 1:51 PM

May 20, 2005

today was a long day. i had graduation practice at bowie at 8am. i picked up sean for old time's sake. sean has facial hair. wtf? then we went to bowie and sat in the gym for graduation rehearsal. i didnt share that "omg! last day of high school" feeling with anyone because i had that day last year. looking around, i saw kids that i have known since kindergarden and old best friends who now i'd feel akward just saying hi to. the girl next to me reminded me of all the people from high school that i wont miss. the fat, obnoxious girls, who smell like weed. who smokes up at 8am? ali kozlowski was in the row behind me. that is one friend from way back that i still enjoy seeing and talking to. she has not really changed since elementary school, and thats a compliment. so apparantly my gym teacher from elementary school (who was married) and my 2nd grade teacher got married. that is weeeeeiiiiirrrd. and on a sadder note, i also found out today that my precal teacher from last year died the other week. he got in a car accident and from what i heard had just gotten engaged a few days earlier. thats really aweful. i dont really know what else to say.
posted by sarah 11:20 PM

May 9, 2005

i dont know how so many people my age can smoke cigarettes. maybe everyone's just an idiot. now everyone's going to get all defensive about their habits but its true. if you smoke, you are an idiot. there, now that i've showed everyone the light i'll talk about me. i think i hate most girls. maybe not hate, just dont like. if you're a girl and i hang out with you, consider yourself blessed because you must be awesome. i also am very jealous. but i think jealousy to some extent is healthy. when you love someone, you're going to be protective of that. i dont know how anyone could be in love and not get jealous sometimes. jealousy is fine i think as long as you dont let it get too out of hand. speaking of love, i love jason. he makes me so happy and i love our relationship. i think im lucky to have found a boy who can have so much integrity and yet be so damn hilarious and fun to be with as well. plus he's hot, like, really hot. not sure how to segway into this smoothly but.... im moving! really soon too. only about 3 weeks left until i move in with katie. i should start getting things packed up. im excited. a little bit sad and scared too. but mostly excited. katie's probably my favorite person of all my friends. (sorry other friends, but you all know katie, so you know what i mean). living with katie will be awesome. i think its funny that we're both excited about grocery shopping together. i dont know what thats all about. man. i am sleepy.
posted by sarah 1:11 AM

Apr 27, 2005

i got two piercings. i am one tough cookie now. nevermind that its just my earlobes. ONLY ONE MORE WEEK OF SCHOOL! im so pumped about that. and then only a month of holy trinity left. then it will be summer time and ill be living with katie and it will be one fun lazy summer before maryland starts in the fall.
posted by sarah 10:35 AM

Apr 17, 2005

i am so happy in love
posted by sarah 1:00 PM

Apr 13, 2005

birthday birthday birthday

monday was my birthday. i'm 18 years old! and i do what i want! at work, they made me a really cute ladybug cake and it was so sweet. i dont know how they do it, but some people i work with manage to turn something great into drama. my friends doing something nice for me on my birthday ended in them being accused of being racist and exclusive and lots of drama. it was stupid. i hope everyone knows how stupid they are. if not, maybe i should tell them. aaafter work i opened the presents my parents got me. a sewing machine, a punching bag, and 50 bones. i made out like a bandit this year. later jason took me out to dinner and gave me pretty flowers. it was a very nice birthday dinner. i love my boy. but he's been getting in very good shape recently and im having trouble keeping up. from now on, less cake and more kickboxing.
posted by sarah 1:51 AM

Apr 2, 2005

When I started this blogger I was just a freshman in high school. When I think back to that year I think of me in a faded black hoodie, white tshirt, jeans, and black chucks. I think that must be all I ever wore that year. I remember Bane being my favorite band (still true) and spending all my time in Lanham (still true, but with different people). I miss when Katie lived in Lanham, those were some of the best times of my adolesence. Especially towards the end of my freshman year when we'd go to java head. In my memory, it was always raining on tuesday nights and we'd hang out with people like mike breen and pat. Me and pat had crushes on each other and we'd walk around holding hands and he'd kiss me on the cheek sometimes and go sit on the echo spot and talk. I cannot remember anything that we'd talk about. The summer after my freshman year was the funnest summer, I think ever. I'd hang out with Katie and Angie and Matt and Paul and Kevin a lot. We'd do stupid stuff that resulted in getting chased by mustangs. That was the best. I think everyone goes through that young, ballsy phase where you just run around and act a fool. When you mix that feeling with fireworks.... it results in good times. I'm not ballsy anymore. I'm just tired. (This is why I'm not getting another job this summer. I don't want to be too busy or tired to be stupid this summer.) I can't recall how I used to picture myself at 18 and what I'd be like. But I feel pretty satisfied with who I am and where I'm at. I'm happy. Happy in the way that if something bad happens, I'll still feel good enough to get through it. I'm so excited about moving in with Katie. I cannot wait to graduate. I cant wait to start at Maryland too. 2005 is just where it is at. I can't think of anything else to say..... MAKE IT HAPPEN
posted by sarah 9:53 PM

Mar 20, 2005

little android man, born without a soul

ive been filling in for victoria and delivering this weekend at the dragon house. tonight i came so close to hitting a deer. as i slammed on the brakes i thought "noooo! dont wreck my car!!!" screw the life of the deer. lets face it, deer are a dime a dozen and should learn to stay off roads. iii want to travel somewhere. somewhere pretty and somewhere ive never been before. i want to go in the glenn dale hospital before i turn 18. i dont have much more time left. only 23 days. take me.
posted by sarah 1:45 AM

Mar 12, 2005

catch up!

+ i bought an ipod and its awesome

+ cant wait to move in with katie

+ im sick and cant talk and its annoying

+ i love jason

+ i hate waking up for class

+ i turn 18 in one month

+ overall, i love the way my life is turning out to be

+ thats a good feeling
posted by sarah 12:18 AM

Feb 26, 2005

im sick im sick im sick im sick, and im scik of being sick, and ahhhhhh
posted by sarah 6:15 PM

Feb 19, 2005

i got into maryland! wednesday is me and jason's anniversary! good week good week
posted by sarah 10:24 PM

Feb 15, 2005

cutting up tomatos fruits and vegetables and potatos

i finished the FAFSA crapsa in time. i still dont know if i got into maryland or not yet. they havent sent me my rejection/acceptance letter yet. they said mid-february so i guess that means any day now. the bitchy girl at my work said she got hers over a week ago but she could have just been saying that to be a bitch. and my SAT score is over 100 points higher than hers and my GPA is higher and she got in. so i should get in. i hope. weird. i didnt know this would stress me out as much as it is. i really want to get into maryland though. ahhhh. the prospect of moving out is starting to get to me. i'm still excited. but i dont like the fact that we're going to sell our house. and someone else will live in it. and i wont be able to come into my house anymore. and i wont live next to lindsay anymore and i wont be part of the sXc anymore. its sad really. but i guess you have to let go of some things in order to move on to better things.
posted by sarah 11:16 PM

Feb 14, 2005

me to jason: i love you

jason to me: i dont blame you

happy valentines day cutie
posted by sarah 12:36 AM

Feb 7, 2005

and a hand to hold when leaves begin to fall

last night was wonderful.

still waiting to hear from maryland.

cant wait to move in with katie this summer.

loving life.


posted by sarah 11:56 PM

Jan 31, 2005

if i didnt smell so good would you still hug me

on saturday i went and hung out with katie at her new house in annapolis. its a nice little house with a scary basement. david's renting it to her and her mom and in a few months i'm going to move in with them. that will be exciting. katie would be fun to live with. i dont know how long i'll live there, i guess it all depends. i find out if i got into maryland soon. in a week or two, i think. i hope i did. i dont know. errr



posted by sarah 1:16 PM

Jan 21, 2005

i think i might be retarded

i watched the terminal today, thats a surprisingly funny movie. i skipped my first day of kickboxing class. my throat hurts. went sledding last night. i love the snow. its supposed to snow a lot this weekend. i cant wait. amanda quit holy trinity. so i bet they'll ask me to do morning care every day. no way. i'm not doing that. too exausting. i'm definetly retarded and worry too much. i guess i think i'm undeserving. i could blame that on other people but that would be idiotic, its not them thinking it. january and 2005 and basically everything is great. even though lots of bad things have happened, i am so just thrilled. i hope my life is always this way. where even if stuff goes wrong, i'm still happy. overall. OVERALLS



posted by sarah 1:56 AM

Jan 19, 2005

i love you.

posted by sarah 1:33 AM

Jan 17, 2005

urine mouthwash

winter class is done done done. except for the paper i have to write, but thats not due until thursday. kickboxing starts on thursday. history of architecture starts on tuesday. yeah yeah yeah, i'm excited about everything from here on out. trip to boston/salem with angie and katie will be what 2005 is all about.



posted by sarah 2:24 PM

Jan 3, 2005

cant be any geek off the street, gotta be handy with the steel

the winter class i'm taking was supposed to be from 8:30am to 2:00pm but maybe it was full because i was put in the class thats from 6pm to 10pm. THAT kind of sucks but oh well. its only for 2 weeks. my nights are pretty much ruined though.

i've been looking at various places to rent around this area just to get an idea of whats out there. mannn. rent's expensive. between the dragon house and holy trinity, i make about 1200 a month. but thats a pretty generous estimate. its probably closer to 1000. i figure i could pay 500/m on rent and still have money for food and gas and fun. yeah. that could work. i dont know how much i'll be able to work next year though. i should probably try and save a lot now. i'm really lucky that i got that gift from my grandpa. it will help me out a lot. i'm a little scared about this year but mostly excited. 2005 is just going to be where its at. i'll turn 18, graduate, move out, and hopefully start at maryland (knock on wood). yeah. i'm in the mood to travel. i'm thinking spring break.... road trip!



posted by sarah 1:47 AM

Dec 31, 2004

thats what 2004 was all about!

JANUARY was all about having a crush on jason. but not being able to do anything about it because he was still trying to be a good friend to paul. in january we'd go sledding and then jason would come over and watch movies and snuggle with me and i'd run around all day shouting "yes! thats what 2004 is all about!" annoying everyone.

FEBRUARY was all about shit hitting the fan. we had to get sandy put to sleep. i crashed the nova. my mom decided to separate from my dad (not like that went anywhere though). yeah, the beginning of february was aweful. but then at the end of the month, jason asked me if i wanted him to be my boy and i hid behind a door and giggled. and i got the lumina. so the month was beginning to look up.

MARCH was all about good times. i bought roller skates with angie (which i've used maybe 5 times). bane played at st andrews. jason left daffodils for me on my car one morning. i got pink eye, that was pretty lame. and my dad was supposed to move out but then one day he stopped looking for apartments and pretended like nothing happened. its been like that since. weird. but still, march was nice.

APRIL was all about snot. i was sick most of this month which is no fun. i was even sick on my birthday, which kind of sucked, because it was on easter. but it had its redeeming moments. me, angie and dean went to the march for women's lives. that was something i'm still proud of myself for doing.

MAY was all about planning. planning to not have to go to highschool my senior year (which is working out wonderfully). me, jason, david, and matt went to the beach one day. it was fun except i got a speeding ticket. my dad turned 60. cicadas were flying around everywhere. i'm glad those things are gone.

JUNE was all about awesomeness or something, i dont know, i'm running out of ideas. we'd go bowling every wednesday when it was just a dollar. that was really fun, and is something i really miss. me and kevin went and picked up eric in ohio and got caught in a mudslide. (sort of). i had my last class at bowie high ever. i went to the gym almost every day, something i intended to do all summer, but which i quickly forgot about.

JULY was all about schoolin. i had summer school most of this month. but i still found time to just hang out with people and i was really happy this month.

AUGUST was all about fooling around. i guess. i finished summer school. i babysat for 2 weeks and the dad was creepy. i started working with erin at the dollartree in a freezer on sundays. and i started class at aacc. august was fun. and good times.

SEPTEMBER was all about not getting dicked over. holy trinity tried to screw me with my raise. but that didnt last, i got my way in the end.

OCTOBER was a lot of things. jason's birthday was in october. now he's 20 and an old man. we got in our first fight and sort of broke up for a day, luckily we were able to work it out. i was a model for my sister in that weird fashion show. i got a new computer. halloween was awesome, me and angie and jae went trick or treating in georgetown and my tinkerbell costume that i made looked so slutty and great.

NOVEMBER was all about maryland. or applying to maryland. i started working at the dragon house which is making me both richer and fatter. november was just last month and it was a lot of fun. oh, i also got my stuff waxed which was a very good idea.

DECEMBER was all about trying to get all my stuff together for my classes. but its ok, i did well in all my classes. christmas was nice even though alex wasnt there. having a break from school and work has been nice. my grandpa gave me a very nice, very large gift which is going to help me out a lot. and i've just been really content this month, and most of this year really.

so looking back, 2004 was really all about jason. he's who i spent most of my time with. he makes me very happy and i like that i can make him happy. he's what made 2004 great and i am really excited about 2005.



posted by sarah 1:39 AM

Dec 12, 2004

i'm shaking like milk

work school work school work school work school. i drive 250 miles each week on route 50. tuesday is my very last day of school until spring classes. hooray! tomorrow i have a project due in my architecture class. i am not at all done. but thats the way it is. i think i'll still pass the class. it should be ok. i am done with my maryland application and it was all turned in a day early. now i wait until february to see whats up. i cant wait until next week when i can sleep in all day. i havent written on here in forever. at least not this month. thats ok. no time for computers. they're not fun anyway.



posted by sarah 2:23 PM

Nov 28, 2004

deep breathe

everything that i'd like to write about is far too raunchy to put on here. sooo i dont know. yesterday. whoa. that hurt a lot. but the results! so great. i can walk faster now. i have to go to work in half an hour. i hope i have a lot of tables tonight and get a lot of tips. i need to stop buying things for myself and put aside money for christmas gifts. my account has been increasing a lot though, which makes me happier. i really need to open a savings account soon for money that can only be spent on bills. if victorias secret didnt exist, i would have so much more money. that store robs me. welllllll. maryland application is due on wednesday. i have 2 of the essays done. and i've started the other one. (there's only 3). so i'm not worried. it feels so good to have most of the essays out of the way. i better get in.



posted by sarah 2:34 PM

Nov 22, 2004

if the kids are united they will never be divided

i'm in one of those excited moods where everything holds the possibility to be absolutely amazing. i appreciate everything and everyone i have and i cannot wait for everything. there's no aspect of my life that i'd rather not think about. everything is either great or good enough. and thats saying a lot. november is beautiful! the trees in my neigborhood are on fire and the weather is perfect. i want to download a ton of music and absorb it all. i'm so excited about so many things. i want to get into maryland and i cant wait until the semesters over. i'm not even stressed about the work. i have fun at both of my jobs. a lot of my friends have become really trashy lately. and its really not cool but it doesnt really change the way i feel about them. i love my friends, even the ones i dont get to see much. and especially the ones who are acting like they dont know any better right now. i look forward to seeing jason all the time. i'm really really happy to have him in my life. i am just so excited. literally on the edge of my seat for everything. who wants to go to dc with me on friday?







posted by sarah 7:54 PM

Nov 20, 2004

Remember that the only things we need sometimes are chilly nights and warmer thighs

i have some sort of ear infection. it has been hurting for a few days now but i cant get an appointment with the doctor until monday. so i will just have to endure it for 2 more days. i wouldnt mind being sick if i was able to stay home for at least a day and just eat chicken noodle soup in my pajamas, watch tv, and nap all day. but i still have work and school to deal with so that's not happening. what's nice about next week is that i only have to work monday and tuesday morning. i have the rest of the days off. i hadnt realized it but the semester is almost over. i think dec 8th is my last day of classes and then the next week is exams. that's nice that i'll be done with class soon but it's kind of overwhelming. i have so many projects left to finish in my architecture classes and so little time left. i really need to finish all this maryland stuff. right when i'm done with this, i'll start writing some of those essays. and then i should be good. oh i just have no motivation to do anything right now though. hmm mm. today's the 20th, that means in a few days me and jason will have been together for 9 months. thats a long time. i guess it was about this time last year that he would come over after we'd hang out with people and watch movies with me on my couch until 3am. i loved doing that with him, and i still really do. it's very nice to have someone to be lazy with. on those nights where you don't really feel like going out anywhere or being entertaining. it sounds strange but its great to have a boyfriend who never takes you anywhere or tries to impress you.




posted by sarah 9:28 PM

Nov 13, 2004

working at the dragon house is sick. tonight i made $69. in five hours! thats great. this week i definetly need to get those essays written for my maryland application. they're due dec 1st which is not very far away. ahhh. but i so do not feel like writing essays. gah. my throat has been killing me the past week. but its finally starting to feel better. other than that though, everything has been really good. jason is the funnest boy. i have such a good time with him. mm






posted by sarah 11:01 PM

Nov 1, 2004

I WANNA ROCK N ROLL ALL NIGHT.... and have a wonderful time

halloween weekend has been beautiful. and a lot more fun then i imagined. on saturday i went to the hate to say show. it was fun. they were all wizard of oz and jason looked cute in his tinman costume. my tinkerbell costume turned out great. VERY slutty. TONS of cleavage. the whole night everyone was staring at my boobies. kind of an ego booster but i would not be able to dress like a slut full time. i dont really like that kind of attention. on sunday me, angie, and this girl jae went trick or treating in chevy chase. it was great. i hadnt trick or treated in years. we got tons of candy and 10 year old boys hit on us. it was really a lot of fun.

tonight me, katie, and briana drove around listening to styx. at a red light, this guy asked us where the cool places are to go on monday nights or something. i said i didnt know but as we were driving away katie shouted "follow us!" but we didnt think he heard that and didnt really want him to follow us. so we're driving around, turning on random streets, basically going in circles. and at another red light, the same guy pulls up next to us and says "hey, did you guys try to stop back there..." and katie says "uh... we arent actually going anywhere.... but listen to this song!" and we all continue to sing Sail Away very loudly and animated. and i guess the guy wasnt a styx fan or something because he looks confused then moons us. and he had THE HAIRIEST CRACK I HAVE EVER SEEN!!!!

The End.


posted by sarah 11:42 PM

Oct 24, 2004

spit on yourself (you're so beautiful)

my new computer came and it is great. the comcast guy is coming to give me cable internet on the 16th or 17th, so then it will be even better.

last night was that fasion show for julia. it was actually a lot of fun. the dress turned out really great. they had these professional people come in and do our hair and makeup. they teased my hair up and made it HUGE and gave me big false eye lashes and lots of make up. i looked like a drag queen. it was awesome. my feet, legs, butt, back, and abs are all so sore from having to stand in those heels for 4 or 5 hours. after the show was over, we had to go out and mingle with the crowd. julia got a lot of compliments on the dress and a lot of people told her it was the smartest piece in the show. one creepy middle aged guy hit on me and tried to buy me a beer. whats with middle aged men hitting on me, even when i look like a drag queen. the guy was obviously drunk. i know alcohol gives you confidence or whatever but... some people just should not have that confidence.

i put in my 2 weeks notice at the dollar store. i am so excited about not having to work from 7 to 6 on fridays anymore. the only thing i'll miss is working with erin, which was fun. but its not like i cant hang out with her so its still good. i may waitress with katie at the dragon house. it would only be for a few hours on sundays so i wouldnt be too overworked. and really, i just want to be a waitress.

my tinkerbell costume is half done! i kind of drew my own pattern by tracing a tank top of mine and just adding more length. and i keep trying it on and then making adjustments and then retrying it on and making more adjustments.... but its turning out really well. i'm proud of myself. i put the zipper in and it was my first time putting a zipper in anything. i didnt do a stellar job of it but it still looks good. all i have left to do on it is cut the top how i want it and cut the bottom to the right length. then i will be tinkerbell. slutty slutty tinkerbell.







posted by sarah 2:01 PM

Oct 20, 2004

my new computer is supposed to come tomorrow. excited. excited. excited.

gotta drive down to richmond after class today. not excited. (should be in class right now actually...)

gotta make slutty tinkerbell costume for halloween! it will make boys excited.

i sent in part 1 of my application to maryland. now i have to write all those essays. gah!



posted by sarah 10:55 AM

Oct 17, 2004

i can't let the first amendment down.... its the only one i know!

talked to my mom on the way down to richmond on friday. she offered to stay in maryland another year, until i got things together. i told her i was already planning on moving out, on trying to rent a house. she seemed relieved. so mom's going to move to kansas city this summer. dad will probably move to northern virginia or something. either way, the house is going to be sold soon. which doesnt bother me all that much, with most of my family not living there, it doesnt really seem like home anyway. i'm applying to maryland. thinking about majoring in historic preservation. part of me seems disappointed in this. like telling people "oh, i'm going to maryland next year." is the same as saying "yeah, i sorta ran out of ideas..." but thats stupid. going to any other state school wouldnt be some exciting fresh start that 15 year olds idealize it to be. and the only reason why i feel disappointed is because i don't want to let down the goals i had when i was younger. but what the hell did i know when i was younger? nothing. so who cares. i dont want to leave this area yet. i like it here. its home to me. and moving would just be stupid. its not that i'm scared to leave, i just dont want to. so i'm applying to maryland. and if i get in, i'll try to get a house in the college park area. i cant live in a dorm. because wherever i live will be my home. and during the summer and breaks, i'd be homeless. so i hope i get into maryland. i guess i should apply to a few other colleges as kind of a "fall back". i'll see. i'm not really psyched about all this. because i'm not really excited about going to school in general. but i am looking forward to next year, just what i'll be doing i dont know.






posted by sarah 11:26 AM

Oct 15, 2004

adding light to darkness

today i stood with my arms above my head for 45 minutes while i was sewn into a dress made out of mylar with MOLEST written down my side, among other things. two C batteries hung out between my boobs most of the day so my dress could light up to impress some judges. but before the judging, i waited patiently in a hallway with a transformer, a human chandelier, a girl with a dress made out of hair, a skirt with thousands of rubber fingers lining the inside, someone painted gold, a mermaid, an armenian anarchist, and countless others. the man who worked at the exxon asked me if his tie looked like a hotdog. he said he hated his job and couldnt wait to quit so he could burn the tie. he said he'd hang himself with it if it wasnt a clip on.




posted by sarah 11:29 PM

Oct 14, 2004

what is 2004 all about...

good times!

thats all this year has ever been about.

i want the rest of 2004 to be sick. i want to hang out with my friends and my boyfriend. i want to go somewhere pretty. i want to explore every abandonded building i see. i want to take a ton of pictures. not photographs, pictures. i really want to just run around acting like an idiot and goofing around in the street until dark like we did when we were 11. i want to wrestle someone in mud but in the least sexual way possible. i want everyone to be honest with me all the time. i saw supersize me last night and now all i want to do is eat tons of fast food.


posted by sarah 11:50 AM

Oct 10, 2004

i feel better. what a terrible weekend though. but i hope things are going to be ok now.


posted by sarah 11:53 PM

cant sleep. cant eat. cant find something to keep me occupied. cant get rid of red,puffy eyes.

why is it that every man i'm close to either lies to me, cheats on me, or just treats me like crap and tries to control me.

why cant i just have a good relationship. is it me? i'm the only constant person in all these failed attempts. is it me?


posted by sarah 1:08 PM

cant sleep.


posted by sarah 1:22 AM

Oct 9, 2004

the past 8 months or so i have been really happy. and i thought you were too. i dont know. i feel aweful. i dont want things to be this way. i just want to be with you.




posted by sarah 8:09 PM

Oct 6, 2004

it's no strech to say

agh. good days usually turn into bad days once i get home. and this time my dad's thrown away a bunch of my pictures of my old friends from elementary school because he's "sorting" them and i have to fish my memories out of the garbage can and wipe the goo off from the rotten cucumber they were under. and apparantly persuing something i'd like to do by working and going to school is a waste of my potential and not whats best for me. what i should be doing is going to a four year university despite the fact that there is nothing there for me right now. but. father knows best. especially when he yells at me until i break down in tears. home sweet home.



posted by sarah 11:03 PM

Oct 3, 2004

mine is a generation of true romantics

i'm sorry jason but i think i may have met the love of my life today. he pulled up next to me at an intersection and yelled "hey white girl! let me get that number!" i fell for him instantly.




posted by sarah 8:17 PM

Sep 27, 2004

today i found out something pretty interesting at work. one of the 3 year old teachers who i do aftercare for emailed john because she was upset that i was quitting. upon hearing that i was quitting, john went and talked to my mom (who's subbing at the school this week). apparantly after john got that email from becky, he sent her one immediately afterwards okaying my raise. and did becky tell me about this? no. so if i'm going to be getting paid $9, i don't think i am going to quit. i'll just have to bite my tongue for the rest of the year around becky. but 9/hr is worth it. i'll talk to john tomorrow morning and see about taking back my 2 weeks notice. hmm, i guess everything works out then. except becky's now an even bigger douche.


posted by sarah 8:55 PM

mmmm bubble baths

i dont understand how time works. you'd think that midnight would be 12pm since its 10 pm and 11 pm at night. but instead the am/pm thing starts over at 12 instead of 1. this will confuse me forever and i will never set my alarm right.


posted by sarah 12:04 AM

Sep 25, 2004

Take one fresh and tender kiss. Add one stolen night of bliss. One girl, one boy, some grief, some joy. Memories are made of this.

reading my old blogger posts is sometimes one of the best things to do. it can be soooo uplifting. like a pushup bra. its just amazing how things connect sometimes. for example:

august 12, 2003:
junior year will be one big party, right? and this time next year i'll be reflecting about how happy i am. it'll happen. i'll force it to.

august 15, 2004:
i am ridiculously amazingly happy. in almost every aspect.


this week has been so stressful for me and just........ sucky. i'll be happy in two weeks when i can just relax. i think its officially autumn already. i'm waiting patiently for the leaves to turn and the weather to get all autumnlike and beautiful. october has always been my favorite month so i am very excited that its almost here. i'm even looking forward to winter, when its cold outside but warm in here.







posted by sarah 1:53 AM

Sep 23, 2004

i'm putting in my 2 weeks notice today, when i should be slashing my boss's tires.


posted by sarah 11:14 AM

Sep 19, 2004

i love this weather!

i love these days! who wants to go somewhere pretty this weekend?


posted by sarah 1:16 PM

Sep 18, 2004

poopie

man. work has me so mad right now. basically, i'm getting screwed over with my raise this year. and where normally people would get a raise from 8/hr to 9/hr, i only got a raise to 8.50/hr. which means i'm making the same as a girl who's worked there a year less than i have and works almost half as many hours as i do. so i'm going to talk to my boss or my boss's boss and if they're too cheap to pay me 9, then they can suck it and i'm putting in my 2 weeks notice. even though i'll probably end up making less than i do now if i go work somewhere else, i dont care. i'm not working for jerks.





posted by sarah 1:47 AM

Sep 12, 2004

i wish this house felt like a home

baha hsdafblhfsdf dhgfdhfvcv.c being home makes me so frustrated all the time. getting yelled at and screaming back is not healthy communication. and its always over the stupidest shit. i have work and school from 7am to 6pm almost every day. i dont have time to mow the lawn. and maybe a sober person would recognize that this is not something worth yelling about. but you're an idiot. and i'm fed up. do you know how terrible it feels when your own house feels like the farthest thing from being a home. gahhh. i dont need to be pestered every night about doing my homework. i managed to get into college a year early, i think i have it covered. bah.






posted by sarah 7:37 PM

"there is within me, and with sadness i have watched it in others, a knot of cruelty borne by the stream of love."

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